I think I miss the hospital

I know it sounds absurd. Why would I want to be there? It’s for sick people. You are constantly being bothered by someone; day and night.
You are away from home and your family. Why would I miss a place like that?

I have absolutely NO idea.

I don’t miss it right this minute, but there have been fleeting moments the last 2 weeks where I just want to be back there.

Wait, have I really been home 2 weeks?

I feel as if I’ve accomplished NOTHING in those 2 weeks and that’s the truth. I haven’t. I think that’s my answer. I’m home so I feel like I should be doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. Instead I’m sitting in a recliner and paying someone else to keep my kids entertained. If I were in a hospital it would be a proper place to be lazy. Right?

I really need to just accept that this is ok and that I don’t need to be in the hospital. I’m being “lazy” so I can heal. My body needs to heal.

I hate to admit it but there is a part of me that misses the good stuff I got in the hospital. If I felt bad or had pain I got more meds through my IV and it worked instantly.

The other night I was having more pain than usual and I was clinching my fists to fight the pain. Instinctively I started to move my right thumb up and down as if I was pressing my button for more meds.

I guess I miss the guilt free feeling you have in the hospital. I should have just said that and been done, but it took writing all my ramblings down for me to figure that out.

These recovery posts should be fun to look back on in a year.


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Comments

  1. Chunky Mama says

    When I was on pregnancy bedrest, I read somewhere that whenever I felt guilty for not doing anything productive, I needed to remember that I WAS doing something – gestating. (Corny, but somehow reassuring.) In your case it’s the same thing. It may feel like you aren’t doing anything, but you are. You are very busy HEALING. That’s your only job for now and the most important thing you could be doing.

  2. says

    I know how hard it is to sit back and do “nothing” because I am the same way. As mothers we are guilt stricken way more than we should be, but that’s the nature of things. The more you are “lazy” now, the quicker you can get back to normal activities around your house so remember that every time you get down about it. I think it’s great that you are being honest about how you are feeling too. We can only grow and heal when we truly look at the whole picture. The days will start getting easier soon, and the bad days will become few and far between. Until then, I’m always here to be an ear and a shoulder, even I I can’t physically be there with you.
    Whitney´s last blog post ..All Falling Apart

  3. says

    Back in the day, you WOULD still be in the hospital. Now they’re just too darn expensive for people to stay while they recuperate. Home health care is cheaper. That’s too bad in many cases, I’m sure, but I gotta tell you, I, for one, feel better knowing you’re well enough to be home, even if you’re not yet fully well. I’ll try a little harder with those good vibes, OK? Bless you, m’dear.

  4. says

    I’ve had two separate long (3+ week) hospitalizations now, and both times, I experienced exactly what you’re feeling. It’s almost like that feeling that I get every time we move — it takes me a few weeks to get my bearings back around me again.

    And yes, then there’s that guilt thing….

    ::hugs::
    Shari~Rain into Rainbows´s last blog post ..Puttin’ on the Pink: Take 3

  5. says

    Just tell the truth; you miss the food. ;)

    Sending lots of love and hugs up your way. I promise I really really am coming to visit soon. I need my Nathan snuggles and a healthy dose of girl chat.

  6. Kelli says

    Priscilla, you’ve been through so much!! I admire your spirit throughout this whole process. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be to be separated from your family for as long as you were; dealing with pain and the feelings that come with surrendering to the help of others when you would rather be home doing it yourself. Mommy guilt finds us all at various points and that’s totally normal, but girlfriend, you’ve been through so much …and healing is definitely the most important thing right now. I think your family agrees and just wants you to allow yourself the time to fully recover. So, try to let go of the mommy guilt and let yourself off the hook ;) you deserve to feel good again! Sending hugs and prayers of healing xx

  7. says

    I hope you feel better really soon. Just look at it this way… Sit back and chill right now because with three boys in the house, there will be lots of energy and destruction to go around for a long time to come.

  8. Catwoman says

    I think you should have found that peace and relaxing situation at home, too. I know that while being ill it is recommended to be lazy, and I think that’s why you loved it. But if you have an understanding family which does unconditional love to you, they will help you in the healling process.
    Catwoman´s last blog post ..fogpótlás

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