I know it sounds absurd. Why would I want to be there? It’s for sick people. You are constantly being bothered by someone; day and night.
You are away from home and your family. Why would I miss a place like that?
I have absolutely NO idea.
I don’t miss it right this minute, but there have been fleeting moments the last 2 weeks where I just want to be back there.
Wait, have I really been home 2 weeks?
I feel as if I’ve accomplished NOTHING in those 2 weeks and that’s the truth. I haven’t. I think that’s my answer. I’m home so I feel like I should be doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. Instead I’m sitting in a recliner and paying someone else to keep my kids entertained. If I were in a hospital it would be a proper place to be lazy. Right?
I really need to just accept that this is ok and that I don’t need to be in the hospital. I’m being “lazy” so I can heal. My body needs to heal.
I hate to admit it but there is a part of me that misses the good stuff I got in the hospital. If I felt bad or had pain I got more meds through my IV and it worked instantly.
The other night I was having more pain than usual and I was clinching my fists to fight the pain. Instinctively I started to move my right thumb up and down as if I was pressing my button for more meds.
I guess I miss the guilt free feeling you have in the hospital. I should have just said that and been done, but it took writing all my ramblings down for me to figure that out.
These recovery posts should be fun to look back on in a year.
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