It was one year ago this week that I found out I was expecting baby #3. That may not sound like that big of a deal but after I had Lucas I thought I would never be pregnant again. I wasn’t happy with that, so I went to see a specialist and found out that I could safely get pregnant again. I was so happy. Prior to going to that appointment I really struggled with accepting “no”. I wrote this about my feelings on a scrap page
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I can’t remember a time that I didn’t want to be a Mommy. It’s the only job I haven’t changed my mind about.
Years have gone by and I’ve wanted to be a doctor, a teacher and a marine biologist. Just to name a few.
My heart has always been set on caring for and loving babies. It’s such a blessing to hold your little one and snuggle. Give him milk when he’s hungry. Watch him grow and change into a little boy.
The feeling is really indescribable so I could go on all day trying to make someone that hasn’t experienced it understand.
My darling husband has helped me fulfill that dream and I am forever grateful to share his love.
My heart was broken when I found out it may not be safe for me or any future babies if I add to that dream. Some people look at me like I am crazy. Why add to my already stressful and crazy life? Aren’t two enough? Why can’t you just be grateful?
I think some of it bordered on my desire to some day have a daughter. I love pink, shopping and all things girly. But I have two boys. Not today.
Now I do not care what baby is added to my family, I just want to feel the miracle of life growing inside me again. To feel hiccups and kicks. Even if it’s just once. I don’t like nature telling me what I can and can’t have. It sucks and it’s not fair.
It’s also not fair that other women want a family and struggle for YEARS and never get the baby they so desire. Yes, I have two and they have zero. Please, friends know that I’m deeply sorry, but it doesn’t change my heartache. We all want, what we want and it still hurts.
We have taken steps to see another doctor. I’m scared to death. My life hasn’t been all glitter and roses. It’s been very unfair. I’m not talking about the paralysis. That I can handle. This? Not so much.
We’ve talked about adoption. Surrogacy. They are very expensive.
I’m just so scared and I want another baby (or babies) so badly my heart physically hurts.
Will wants another baby sibling too, so that makes it even more difficult.
When all this happened CHarlie almost went to get a vasectomy, but changed his mind. (deleting the why … This is my blog not his and I don’t want to discuss intimate details on what I talk about with him, involving HIM)
Charlie is content with two. I’m not. That’s difficult. How do you do that?
It also hurts that my dad and my mother-in-law won’t ever meet any future babies.
It still makes me cry to think that Daddy never held Lucas. Oh, my! Lucas is such a riot Daddy wouldn’t even have know where to start with him. He reminds me so much of my Grandma, that it’s kind of funny. (My mom’s mom)
Gosh, just thinking of all the other losses I’ve experienced makes this that much more unfair. I’ve had some great things happen in my life but why so many bad things too?!
It’s probably stupid that I am heartbroken over something like this, right?!
I hope the doctor tells me I can have a safe 3rd pregnancy. Then I can decide FOR ME, to be done, but what if I change my mind and something goes horribly wrong anyways?! WHat if I lose the baby? WHat if I die? Life can be scary and complicated.
I just want to be a Mommy again. Why is that so hard? Please?!
So those were my thoughts. Clearly, the doctor said things would be ok and he showed no doubts about my safety. I am so grateful to have my 3rd baby boy. I can’t even begin to tell you.
Am I done now? I don’t know. I don’t feel done, but I also don’t feel like I want anymore at this time either. Time will tell.
The good thing? MY doctor didn’t tell me to stop this time. He said things looked very healthy compared to how they were after I had Lucas. That’s nice. It will be ONLY my choice (well…mine and Charlie’s), not natures.