Nathan LOVES to be swaddled. He’s long “outgrown” the miracle blanket but
we did a transition so only his arms were wrapped. It worked beautifully.  We put him down on his back and he stayed there. It was perfect.

Well, this last week or so he has been so FIESTY when we put him dow that he instantly plopped over on his belly. Arms swaddled and all. It made us really nervous but he slept so amazingly.

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This past weekend we went ONE night without it. He naps without it so we thought maybe it was “time”. He was up THREE times. THREE.

Yesterday, DH called me and said we HAVE TO BE DONE with the swaddle for real.

He always goes to get Nathan in the morning if I am still sleeping. He brings him to me in bed so we can have some snuggle time. Anyways, he fought his way out and had it wrapped around his neck.

OH MY GOODNESS. If that doesn’t freak a parent out, nothing will.

WHO CARES if he wakes up 3? 5? 10 times without the blanket?

This is one of those little things that I will soon forget. Quickly. This last week Nathan has been napping beautifully! He wakes up in an awesome mood and I love it.  There is no crying. Just babble over the monitor, and it’s music to my ears. Literally. The little squirt rolls over and turns his mobile on. Music plays. He turns it off. And on again. It’s really quite entertaining. Just had to share!

 

I promise I will try and get back to writing about my little family and not my newphew, but I can’t stop playing it over and over in my head. It’s on my mind all the time. I’m sorry if you are tired of hearing me talk about it.

Oh and have you seen Remember Dylan yet? Susan wanted a “in memory” type webpage so I bought the domain and set it up blog style so she can do with it what she wants.

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I wrote the obituary with our oldest sister. I knew what it said. I read it over and over to make sure there were NO mistakes. I saw it online the day it was printed but I had never looked at it in the actual PRINT paper. Until last night. This entire thing is just so stupid and so wrong.

I have my thoughts about death and what happens when and that helps me cope and my family has their thoughts too… We all have a bit of “peace” in regards to it but that doesn’t change what is.

The peace doesn’t keep out all doubts and thoughts about things. You know what is true, but you still . . . wonder. When something like this happens you think all sorts of things. You do. It’s not all good.

People get sick and die. People get old and die. That “makes sense”. It’s simple. It still sucks and it’s still horrible.

The way Dylan died?? It’s just F*3K!N6 stupid.

 

 

That’s Dylan and my dad. My dad died almost 7 years ago. It was agony. It hurt. He was sick and in pain so we were able to take it in. It was so different.

It’s been a week since the funeral and 10 days since he had to die. It’s been a long 10 days, but wasn’t it just yesterday?!

I wrote this post and said that very little of our day to day will change. I was wrong. Our day to day has changed in more ways than I ever imagined.

I think about Dylan every day and all the “What ifs?”.

I’ve become a different mom.

I hold my kids tighter, more often.

My house is messier.

I say things, I never thought I would say and think things I never thought I would think.

That phrase “I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck!” ? It’s not funny anymore. It’s not acceptable.

The fear of crossing the road or the parking lot with my kids is so intense now, that I’m more afraid than I should be.

I don’t know if the change is for the better, or not but I’m changed. Because he had to die.

 

Everyone is settling back into a routine, and for most of us, very little of our day to day life will change. My sister lived 2 hours away so I didn’t see her and the kids as often as I wanted. It’s been the worst week of my life, but I have to get back to MY life. My sister and her oldest son are staying with another sister and for now we just hold our breath that nothing else goes wrong. It’s heartbreaking and sad that I can just hop back on here and pick up where I left off. Wherever that might be.

Funerals are so depressing and horrible, but they seem to bring families together. If only for a day or two. We managed to get this picture of all the family that made and was still there. I would say this is about 75%? It’s missing my oldest brother and his family. He had already left and his kids are grown, married and had to work. Apparently some people aren’t allowed to take off for their cousin’s funeral. Whatever. I don’t know their financial struggles. I shouldn’t judge.My brother Johnny and his family live in Cali and had no means to get here. They skyped in, it was driving them crazy to miss it. I know we are missing more people from the picture but anyways, they all lived out of state. So here you have a portion of my immediate family (siblings/spouses and nieces/nephews – mom and step dad are somewhere in there .. step mom had already left)

Things have been relatively calm at my house since Wednesday. The boys have all been amazing and wonderfully behaved. I’m trying to just “be”. Partly because I’m just too tired and drained in so many ways to even care. I’m grateful that next week is Spring break. I will be cherishing the time with Will, times like this you don’t want your kids out of your sight. It makes you go a little crazy.

The past two days Lucas has pretended like our house is different stores and places. My bedroom is Wal-Mart, the kitchen is his house. The Family room is the garage and his bedroom is HEB (grocery store) and the breakfast nook is Target. It’s absolutely priceless and adorable.

Have any of you seen the sign “Please ignore the mess, my kids are busy making memories” ? I’ve been wanting it. Now I know I need it. I must have it.