I have absolutely NO idea.

I don’t miss it right this minute, but there have been fleeting moments the last 2 weeks where I just want to be back there.

Wait, have I really been home 2 weeks?

I feel as if I’ve accomplished NOTHING in those 2 weeks and that’s the truth. I haven’t. I think that’s my answer. I’m home so I feel like I should be doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. Instead I’m sitting in a recliner and paying someone else to keep my kids entertained. If I were in a hospital it would be a proper place to be lazy. Right?

I really need to just accept that this is ok and that I don’t need to be in the hospital. I’m being “lazy” so I can heal. My body needs to heal.

I hate to admit it but there is a part of me that misses the good stuff I got in the hospital. If I felt bad or had pain I got more meds through my IV and it worked instantly.

The other night I was having more pain than usual and I was clinching my fists to fight the pain. Instinctively I started to move my right thumb up and down as if I was pressing my button for more meds.

I guess I miss the guilt free feeling you have in the hospital. I should have just said that and been done, but it took writing all my ramblings down for me to figure that out.

These recovery posts should be fun to look back on in a year.

I thought I might do a quick fly by post. As many of you know my rods broke at the end of December (at least we think that’s when it happened) and when they took them out there was a crazy-serious infection (I’ll get into that on another post).

The infection is so bad that we only had a couple of choices and one of them meant no breastfeeding. The doctors knew me well enough by then that they didn’t even present it as an option. I fought tooth and nail to make sure I was on safe pain meds, I was not about to give up now.

So my PICC line stayed. Maybe it would have anyways but it was certain now. We would be administering IV antibiotics 3X a day for the next 5-6 weeks? I can’t remember how long. It’s just a long time.
Let’s not talk about how much this would cost if it weren’t for insurance. Let’s just say that we are VERY fortunate and we are paying $0 out of several thousand. JUST for the antibiotics.

So are you curious to see what a ONE WEEK. I REAPEAT A ONE WEEK supply of antibiotics looks like?

One Week Supply of Meds

We have an iphone down for comparison. The white syringe is just saline to flush the line before and after the meds. They yellow syringe is heprin to lock the line after meds and the funny ball things are the actual meds. We use lot of alcohol wipes to make sure that everything stays very clean. The end of that line is very close to my heart.

So 3x a day I hook up and then disconnect and lock. The boys love to help and it’s great to have them involved.

We absolutely love our nurse “Jake” at the clinic we go to. SO thanks for all the training, you are awesome.

My PICC line

I’m not going to talk about that part right now. I’m going to talk about coming home and what that was like.

When we got into the van I got a text from a friend asking if the boys knew I was on the way home or if she needed to not saying anything because it was a surprise.

I told her it was a surprise. My mommy brains starts churning and I ask her how late they can stay and run my idea by her and she says she’s in they can stay as late as we need them too.

So my plan is set into motion.

Charlie will get me home, comfortable in my bed and he will take Nathan and the VAN and head back out for my meds.

Our sitter also followed us to the house so she would know how to get here when she started back on Monday (today, yes, things are going well). She took a look around and left so as not to throw off our plan.

There were some ups and downs over finding meds (on time) but I’ll write about that another day.

I’m snuggled in my bed and everyone is gone so I text my friend that I’m ready. She knows I want her to just drop them and go like normal because as far as she knows I’m NOT there.

So mom and I quickly figure out WHY she’ll send them into my room. The door is closed and lights are off…

I here them come in and bye, thank you, see you later, blah blah.

Now we hear my mom asking them to go look for “that cat” in “your mom’s room”.

They walk in, turn the light on, and neither one sees me at first, they are half glancing for the cat and their eyes are still adjusting. Then slowly, Lucas looks up, his eyes get  huge and he yells “MOMMY” – Will glanced up and saw me just as the words were coming out of his mouth.

I wasn’t quite crying but my eyes weren’t dry and the boys were the same. They didn’t want to cry but they were so shocked and so happy.

They very carefully and cautiously climbed in bed with me, almost as if there were afraid but desperate to touch me. They wanted to make sure I was REALLY there.

They climbed in and I choked back more tears and just hugged and loved my babies. I missed them so much and it was good to be home. Good to be with my babies in MY bed.

I can’t imagine how confused and afraid Lucas must have been the last three weeks. He’s only 3 and it must have been so challenging to figure out why mommy, daddy and nathan left. He knew we were in a hospital and that hospitals are for sick people or people having babies. He knew we weren’t having a baby so why?  WHy were grandpa and grandma in our house all they time. Why weren’t they leaving?

Now I sit here and write this in my new recliner, so I can lay in the middle of all the noise and chaos that takes place in our family room, and just be. I am home again and I hope more than anything that I never have to unexpectedly leave my children like that again. I am so eager to be back to myself 100% so I can take my boys where they need to be and not depend on friends to help (and help they have – THANK YOU SO MUCH!)

I will never forget that look, of joy and confusion, excitement and a little scared, when they walked in and saw me. I wasn’t able toe capture that moment on film. I thought about having my phone ready, but I didn’t want to. I decided I wanted it to be all mine. Well, all mine and theirs. I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I wanted to relish in that intimate moment we shared. It’s a beautiful moment I will go back to many times when I need a little pick me up.

I did, however, capture some snuggles the moments after, and those I will share!

Charlie and I made a choice last night that may not meet the approval of everyone. We made the decision when we thought the surgery was today, but I thought it was even better when we found out it was moved to Wedneday.

I didn’t let Will go to school. I told grandma to keep him home. Daddy is on his way to get him and Lucas right now.

It’s my business if I want my child with me at a time like this.

I guess I am making a tiny big deal about this is because today was a MOCK test of the new STARR test. We all know what the school thinks about standardized testing, but today, I do not care.

My boys are the best medicine. When they are up here with me I feel calm and relaxed despite the drama and chaos when they get together in a small space.

I also plan to let him stay out tomorrow. That might change because surgery was flipped, and that was going to originally be my recovery day. Now my recovery day is Thursday so maybe we will come that day instead.

I just NEED my kids here. It calms me. It WILL make things go smoother for me.

Then, of course, there is the what if ? ?

Well he overheard her and according to my nurse he told her what I did was non of her concern, I was under HIS care, if he felt it was safe  and I was comfortable with the side effects that it was NO ONE else’s business.

This all came to be one afternoon when lunch came just as I needed to head down for a CT. The transport guys gave me about 5 minutes to scarf my food but I didn’t finish feeding the baby. He was fine, I would only be gone 30 minutes. Maybe loner. He  was crying and wanted me. He wasn’t REALLY hungry. HE just wanted to snuggle more. SO I guess social services some how got wind that he was crying and they assumed that I was starving him by going off for tests and that HE Must take the formula. They also assumed it was “draining me”.

When I got back, in comes the social worker, she said please don’t be mad but we brought this (formula). I told her I didn’t have a problem with him taking it but he was not going to take it. We’ve tried countless times.

Well she thought maybe he’d take it because it was forumalted for fussy, sensitive babies. My baby is not fussy and does not have a sensitive stomach. The opposite in fact. I eat just about whatever I want to and he never complains.

I assume she’s not very “experience” smart and only book smart because she was clearly lost as to why he didn’t want a bottle and why we were sure a different kind would not work. I can only assume she has no children of her own.

The thing is if it’s NOT my nipple he won’t even let it in his mouth. If we use a sippy cup it pours tight out of his mouth with a “what did you do to me” look on his face.

Oh, well. She meant well by bringing it. SHe crossed the line if the doctor felt the need to raise his voice to her.

My night nurses? They must have skipped the class in bedside table manners. One nurse just started undressing me when she came in to give me meds despite my protesting. She said I was sweaty and she had to put me in something clean. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, didn’t do the trick. She even insitsed SHE had to dress me. I couldn’t do it.Then there was the night time nun nurse that said our baby would  die on the pallet we created under the chair we turned into a tent with an opening in the back for air, but covered front and sides to block noise and light. she insisted he sleep in a bassinet which we immediately realized he’d roll out of if he got lose from his swaddle. We requested NOT to have her again.  The other night nurses have been ok.

Excuse that awful run-on.. SORRY.

We also have a day charge nurse (head nurse) that thinks she’s God’ gift to nursing. She’s over confident. Forgetful. Pays no attention and gave me my only bruise. I’ve had 5?6? sticks since I got here (counting the one I arrived with). She pretends she doesn’t hear you and continues to do whatever she wants. The last straw was when she tried to put something in my IV because she had to prep me for my MRI. As far I as I knew I wasn’t having another MRI. Sure enough it wasn’t me. She was still rude about the entire thing, questioning me, my name, NOT checking my bracelet and never appologized. She was going to inject whatever into my veins without confirming who I was first. She’s not my “nurse” so I’m stuck with her being in charge of my nurses.

All 3 have been reported to the proper department and they are just horrified that this happened.

When I talked the doctor this morning he said he’s not surprised. Night nurses (most, not all) are very different and the only time he’s had to yell at a nurse, it was at night.

—

It’s been a strange week. I’ve missed my boys so much. I’ve only seen them once. I just want to cry and scream how unfair life is.

Then I stop. I cry just a little and realize that NO, life is not being unfair. Life is still wonderful.

I’m alive, despite having a blood clot in my lung. I’ve never noticed any pain from this dislocated hip that I apparently have and there is no certainty that the intense back pain was a result of the rods being broken. We don’t know when that happened.

I’m not 100% better by any means. I still don’t know when I’m going home, but I can not and will not let this get me down.

I’m grateful to have found an AMAZING new friend who is baby sitting Nathan so he can stay with me and continue to breastfeed. Daddy is staying with us too, but with Bobbi here Dad can work and still be here for new reports. Thank you, Dances with Chaos, for sharing your friend with me, I instantly saw how amazing she is and why you adore her so much.

I guess there is not much else to say. I’ve come close to really feeling sorry for myself and can see how people slip into depression so easily. Last night I cried a few tears because I wanted ALL my babies here. ALL.

No, I take that back. I wanted to be HOME with all my babies.

This morning I woke up feeling better then I had. Still in pain but with a better outlook. I guess I needed those tears.

The doctors have been absolutely amazing and my day nurses have been very caring. All my techs have been easy going and polite.

The night time staff? Well that is another post entirely. You’ll just have to wait.

I am, however sporting my fun, stylin’ mom hospital gown from Annie and Isabel. I have the “Susan”. It’s comfy and makes me feel like myself; and not like a room number.

Picture of cute hospital gown coming.

There is no need to read into the title of my post. I’m still me. I still love life and my family. I’m NOT depressed. or angry. I’m just in lots of pain.

It all started on the 29th (thursday)- it came on gradually and continued to get worse but I was able to sleep some. Friday morning, I was screaming in agony.

There were no if, ands or buts about it. I had to go the doctor and I had to go now.

Except I don’t have a “regular” doctor. I just haven’t had any needs to warrant a regular doctor.  My  ladies parts doctor took care of the major stuff at my annual. I guess I need to find a regular doctor. It’s at the top of my list now. Wherever that list is …

Back to the pain. The doctors are still at a loss (see they are kinda LOST) and aren’t 100% sure what to do so they are running ever test possible and contacting the part numbers to track down who my doc used.

Just an FYI – Its taken me 30 minutes to write this much. I can’t stay focused and I keep have DEEP sleep dreams that I think last at leas 1-2 minutes and the dream itself a bit longer). It’s a strange feeling. 

So parts. They are tracking down the part number of the rods in my back because they are broken — SEE BROKEN.

There is a good chance I will have surgery to remove all or some of the metal. (titanium to be precise .. IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BREAK)

It’s been a long 5 days.

It’s beoming really stressful. I can transfer myself because it hurts to Charlie has to do everything for me. It’s not really big stuff but it still sucks to need help with stuff.

I’m trying to do my scooting around and pressure relieving on my own.

It hurts if I move  or not and I haven’t been told to stay still, so I think wiggling is best.

I also had to take off all my rings today. I took them off before my MRI and then put them back on. It’s habit. They belong there. So I put them back on immediately. More talk about surgery made me try to get them off right away. I don’t want to know what fixing broken rings cost. They eventually came off but I was afraid we’d have to cut. We did not

I feel like post is all jumbled up and probaby sounds like I’m out it, and that would be because I am.

I’m so appreciative that my mom is here taking care of the big boys and they I have friends wiling too help with drop off and another with pick up.

Typing this was difficult enough. I’m NOT proofreading it. sorry. I’ll conclude for now.  Hopefully I will eventually be better again and back to me. It’s hard to be me with all the “good stuff”

h=

However, this year I would like to set a goal.

I hope to try 52 new recipes. That’s one a week.

It might be a dessert, side/salad, a drink (alcohol preferred), or a main course.

It’ll be something I’ve never made. It might be something I’ve eaten because someone else served it and really loved it so decided to try it myself.

I would love it if you follow this journey.

It should be fun.